After Indictments of Ald. Daley, Ald. Burke, and Speaker Madigan, Chicago Irish Mob Files for Bankruptcy

Photo by Eli Solomon Martin

By James Macapagal and Eli Solomon Martin

CHICAGO, IL - In a stunning example of the justice system actually working, the Chicago Irish Mob has reportedly filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy due to the loss in bribe money from local politicians.

Led by the FBI, Michael Madigan joins an array of former politicians charged with federal corruption allegations, including former Aldermen Ed Burke and Patrick D. Thompson (for now).

"Yeah, I don't know how the Feds could've found out about our scheme, we’re so careful with who we tell about it," said current associate mobster, Seamus "The Rat" Tully.


"It's one of our classic rackets. We know they're corrupt, and then we extort money from them to cover up extorting more money from innocent people," continued Detective Sean Tully of CPD's Organized Crime Unit who insists he is in no way related to Seamus Tully, despite the fact that The Chicago Machine has confirmed they are cousins. "Then we put in a rat in the Mob, but then they put a rat in the Police." furthered Det. Tully, who also insisted this was not just same plot as The Departed.

"We were just waiting until they stopped giving us money, and then we'd just kill them or arrest them. Wait- you're a newspaper? I thought you were THE Chicago Machine!"

Detective Tully subsequently ended our interview and declined any further conversation. Efforts to make contact with him have gone unanswered.

As far as for the future of the mob, Seamus Tully stated "we look forward to entering legalized corruption such as the awarding of Recreational Marijuana licenses, gambling, and NFTs."

When asked about the recent indictments, Mayor Lori Lightfoot said, "We look forward to a new Chicago where corruption is not just for the Irish but can be done regardless of your skin color, your ethnic background, gender identity, sexual orientation, or the size of your dick."

UPDATE: As of March 7th, 11:23AM CST, The Chicago Machine has learned that Seamus Tully was found dead along side Sean Tully, in apparent rip off of the last scene of The Departed.