Bears Front Office Places Order for Several Trashcans, Broom Handles

By Ed Pommelnu

In what seems to be a daring, late-season “Hail Mary” signing, Chicago Bears GM Ryan Pace logged on to his local Ace Hardware website, added eight extra-large trashcans and an equal number of broom handles to his cart, then ordered them to be delivered to Halas Hall.

When reached for comment, Head Coach Matt Nagy stated, “Here in Chicago, the fans deserve championship football. In order to make this happen, I researched all of the other recent champions, and found that the Houston Astros once won after making this same purchase."

The Bears front office is hoping that this move, combined with the recent win over the New York Giants, is enough to spark the Bears into a run that salvages their season. However, the purchase has left more questions than answers.

Asked how he intends to use these trashcans and broom handles, Head Coach Matt Nagy began to sweat, and said, “I figure, I don't know, um, maybe banging a trashcan on the side of the field will keep our offensive line awake or something.”

Despite questions about the legality of having trash cans and broom handles on the sidelines, the Bears coaching staff has garnered tacit approval from the commissioner’s office.

“They need all the help they can get. People in a large market are tuning out and we're losing money,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “If looking the other way while they try their little bucket-boy thing is gonna incentivize them to win, I’m down.”