Racist Old Man on Blue Line Turns Out to be President of the United States

By Hirsch Ptyc

CHICAGO - Riders on a southbound Blue Line train between California and Damen were surprised today to find out that the old man loudly muttering racial slurs at the back of the car is, in fact, the president of the United States of America.

"Every once in a while you run into a senile old man who won't stop talking about how much he dislikes immigrants and Muslims on the L. They're usually pretty harmless," said passenger Erika Zabinski. "But when that racist old man turns out to be president of the United States, it's a little bit harder to ignore."

President Trump, who is in Chicago for the first time in several years to attend a fundraiser hosted by Todd Ricketts, reportedly got on the Blue Line train at California and immediately embarked on a tirade detailing his controversial views on race. This included disparaging remarks aimed at several different ethnic and religious groups. Passengers simply ignored the outburst until someone pointed out that the person at the center of the tirade was not a random homeless dude, but was actually in charge of setting foreign and domestic policy for the world's most powerful nation.

"We get racist old men on the train all the time, and we usually throw them off no problem," said CTA conductor John Barleycorn. "However, when the racist old man you're trying to throw off the train has the power to call in drone strikes at will, that complicates the situation."

Several CTA riders interviewed for this story claim that this is the most surprising political development in Chicago since the middle-aged guy who showed up and started dominating pick-up basketball games at the Irving Park YMCA turned out to be President Barack Obama.