Report: Jerry Reinsdorf Finds Checkbook At Bottom of Dusty Old Steamer Trunk

By Hirsch Ptyc

PC: White Sox Official Twitter

CHICAGO - After the White Sox inked all-star catcher Yasmani Grandal to a franchise-record contract this week, it's clear that something is different about the team's approach this offseason. Now, thanks to an exclusive report obtained by The Machine, we know why: White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf finally found his checkbook hidden at the bottom of a dusty old steamer trunk tucked away in a dark corner of his attic.

"I've been looking for this old thing for ages," said Reinsdorf, while cradling the worn checkbook in his arms. "A lot of people think I was just being cheap the last few years, but the truth is that I didn't have access to any of my bank accounts without this checkbook. The White Sox payroll has been paid entirely by hot dog sales and whatever money Kenny Williams found underneath his couch."

The signing of Grandal to a four year, $73 million deal marks a new era for the White Sox, who have recently had difficulty convincing key free agents to come to the south side because of Reisndorf's lost checkbook. Last offseason, the White Sox reportedly had agreed to a ten year, $310 million deal with all-star free agent Manny Machado, but had to back out when it became clear that the White Sox front office intended to pay his signing bonus with $83 and a coupon for a free pretzel at Auntie Anne's.

For years the baseball world has overlooked the White Sox as none of Jerry Reinsdorf's frantic efforts to locate his checkbook turned up anything useful. Now, according to noted baseball analyst Bob Nightengale, it's a whole new ballgame.

"The other 29 teams have watched as the White Sox searched everywhere for the checkbook. They looked under sofas and in long-forgotten filing cabinets. They even made the entire bullpen submit to an extensive search to see if hiding the checkbook wasn't just some cruel baseball prank." said Nightengale. "The rest of the league is on notice. Now that Jerry Reinsdorf has access to his checking account again, there is no telling what kind of money they will spend."

When asked for comment, White Sox General Manager Rick Hahn said he was pleased to reach an agreement with Grandal, but revealed he had been frantically searching for a pen for over 24 hours so Grandal could actually sign his new contract.