CTA's New Fleet of Electric Buses to Be Sustainably Urinated on For Decades to Come

By James Macapagal

CHICAGO, IL - Last week, the Chicago Transit Authority (CTA) presented results of an in-depth study toward full-electrification of its entire bus fleet. In addition to reducing its carbon footprint, the CTA also discovered the new fleet would help Chicagoans sustainably urinate on the bus on for decades to come.

"For six years, we worked for six years engineering an all-electric bus that removes CO2 out of the air to actively reduce pollution," said project lead Dr. Grace Gibson. "Then we worked another two years making absorbent seat covers, since this is a thing we apparently have to account for in 2022."

Tentatively named “When you gotta' go, Chicago!", the initiative is scheduled to be implemented by 2040.

"I've been holding in all my excitement for years!" said CTA President Dorval R. Carter Jr. “The mayor nixed my ‘Add Public Restrooms’ idea, so this was her next logical project.”

In addition to the piss-friendly initiative, the CTA hopes to address other quality-of-life issues that City Hall is neglecting:

* Bus Friendly Bike Lanes

* Homeless Shelter L Service

* Child Day Care during Teacher Strikes

“I’m really happy that the CTA gets to take on so many civic responsibilities that probably belong to other departments,” continued President Carter Jr. “It’s further proof that we are Chicago's backbone- a backbone that I'm proud to bend over backwards for the mayor’s office.”

"Now poop? No way. We are literally not taking that shit on these new buses. I'm not adding to our already sky high methane-emissions. People can take the Red Line if they need to do that," said President Carter Jr in a final statement.

In a recent study group called “Do You Seriously Pee On The Bus?”, the CTA also gathered input from its riders.

“Well, I don't usually pee on the bus, but I guess I’m glad the city is addressing its 14th worst problem. Hopefully now they can finally tackle systemic racial inequality, violent crime, and corruption,” said longtime CTA rider, Mary Pat Gryzwa.

“My bus is always an hour late anyways, so at least now I get to relieve my conscience as well as my bladder," added Ms. Gryzwa.