“This chapter has worked diligently to spread our message to the people that a vote for Johnson is a vote for chaos. And I’ll be damned if I look like a liar. All we need is the green light from the rest of the board and then it’s go time, baby.”
Read MoreCiting their rich history of humane slaughterhouses, Tyson wishes to extend that same courtesy to their employees.
Read More“The time for thundershirts has passed, the sky booms are upon us,” Potato Chip concluded. “Lick your loved ones’ faces, and make peace with your God. There may be no treats tomorrow."
Read More"People shouldn't be worried about us drunk driving. They should be worried about the underground street racing circuit she started.”
Read More“Juneteenth commemorates the day in 1865 when [REDACTED BY ORDER OF GOV. DE SANTIS]. Although President Lincoln [REDACTED BY ORDER OF GOV. DE SANTIS] two years earlier, it wasn’t until General Grant issued General Order Number 3 that [REDACTED BY ORDER OF GOV. DE SANTIS].“
Read More“Why the hell did it have to be B.A.? B.A. is a hero! He’s a champion of children everywhere, he drinks his milk, and he sure as hell don’t cause no respiratory problems!” said Mr. T, referring to himself in the third person. “Unless you need him to,” he added, with a twinkle in his eye.
Read More"We’ve been taking old IUD’s, cleaning them, and making little shrines with them too. Is it hygienic? No, but neither is eating the Jesus Catholic crackers.”
Read More“It’s like a battle cry for scaring the opposition. ‘Stick up kids? YOU GETTIN’ INTERRUPTED! Looters and thugs? YOU GETTIN’ INTERRUPTED! Muggers and punks? YOU GETTIN’ INTERRUPTED!” Cool, huh? Wish you could hear my keytar. It’s way better with the keytar.”
Read More"After accidentally catching the news on a TV in his Wrigleyville crossfit Gym, Barrett Dentley, 24, learned that Vladimir Putin exists, and immediately determined he could beat the shit out of him."
Read More“We can’t even go through a regular Easter event without translucent Jesuses popping up everywhere. It’s extremely traumatic.”
Read More"In an article to be published in the Journal of Astrophysics, a team of researchers at the University of Chicago's Fermi Institute determined that explanations of unaccounted mass in the universe did nothing to increase the likelihood of casual sex."
Read More“The damn thing was drunk, high, and asking the 150 N. Riverside building if it could "borrow $5 for a down-payment on a cheeseburger."
Read More“Build a robot that will take orders, serve salads, and pour Pepsi instead of Coke into glasses. While your robot is serving customers you can go into the break room and scream into a mop.”
Read More“Besides, you can't expect to enjoy the cosmopolitan delights of our eponymous five-flavored rainbow cone without putting up with the occasional mob hit.“
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