Leaked: An Open Letter from Grant Park Requesting to WFH for Lollapalooza

By Tanya Kornilovich

Photo Credit: Aaron McDavis

CHICAGO, IL - Grant Park got the memo that Lollapalooza is happening this year, and according to this leaked document that the Chicago Machine obtained, they are not into it. The famous park wrote a letter addressed to the city of Chicago and to Lollapalooza founder Perry Farell:

“Dear corporate overlords, I mean, my employer,

For the last year, I have been enjoying working remotely. It’s incredible to work from home. I don’t have to wear pants, I have all my favorite snacks, and all of my dogs have been so happy to have me home.

I’ve been able to do all my work perfectly well remotely. In fact, it’s been better. The grass and flowers and all the other plants have been flourishing. I’ve provided a ton of fresh air and a respite to the essential workers who were forced to go into the Loop. Honestly, it’s been pretty great.

But now, you have required me to go back to normal. I’m not even vaccinated! Because I can’t be! I am grass! In case you forgot, I am a literal park.

But the siren song of corporate profits can't be stopped. Money is the name of the game, but I don't even get any of it! It all goes to the Chicago Park District while I get a crappy health insurance plan and a 1099 contract worth $18/hour. How long until you replace me with artificial turf?

On top of that, you have the audacity to put together the lamest lineup of all time. Foo Fighters? Journey? Fucking Post Malone?

We just had one of the hardest years of our lives and now I have to listen and host to a band that peaked in the 80’s and loves to loan their song out to cliche movies and to a Tekashi 69 ripoff. That’s inhumane.

With the exception of Megan Thee Stallion, whom I would love to host, I humbly request the ability to work from home. The Foo Fighters can go ahead and set up a live stream from one of their Bel Air mansions for all I care.

I will literally take my sorry grassy ass and plop my entire 319 acres of soil, flowers, fountains, worms, trees, pigeon and seagull poop, and go bunk out at the penthouse at the St. Regis. They offered me a pretty good deal, and honestly, they would love to offer their residents who are paying over $6000 a month in rent exclusive access to myself.

I’m also pretty sure they will hire excavators to dig my entire self out. Plus, is building in new reinforcement beams so that I don’t cause the floor to collapse Is it worth it? Yes. Because I hate wearing pants."

Sincerely but Fuck You,

Grant Park

(Grant Park went ahead and sent the letter, but Mayor Lightfoot has yet to respond, reportedly due to her personally enforcing the 10 pm liquor curfew by going to each liquor store and wagging her finger.)