Local Wrigleyville Resident Convinced He Can Assassinate Putin with 3 Cans of Red Bull and His Bare Hands

Photo Credit: Joel Sacramento

By Tanya Kornilovich

CHICAGO, IL - After accidentally catching the news on a TV in his Wrigleyville crossfit Gym, Barrett Dentley, 24, learned that Vladimir Putin exists, and immediately determined he could beat the shit out of him.

On top of hitting the gym 7 days a week for 3 hours, he still plays Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2, and lurks on the subreddit Preppers. He also deadlifts 100 lb boxes of his Dad's extensive porno mag collection, gives unsolicited comments on women's workout routines on Tinder, and once kissed BJ Penn on the cheek.

“I got the right idols, and I got the right gym regimen,” says Dentley. “I eat protein powder by the pound and my only dietary vice is Bud Light.”

Dentley doesn’t closely follow the conflict, nor can he locate Ukraine, or Russia, on a map. But he did figure out that Putin is bad and that he himself can take him out.

“I don’t even know why we’re sending diplomats or weapons over there. They really should send me into a room with Putin and I’ll take care of him myself. I don’t need any payment. I just need some Red Bulls and maybe a Purple Heart afterward.”

Dentley’s roommate Chris Baird agreed that Dentley is the right man for the job.

“Honestly, he should go to Russia and beat Putin up. I’m sick of hearing about it day in and day out. I love him, but he’s the worst.”