Logan Square Riots after Neighborhood Runs out of IPAs

Photo by Alex Peters

By: Andrew Calvo and Mitchell Trachtenberg

CHICAGO - Following a busy Halloween weekend, breweries across Logan Square announced they are out of IPAs, which launched the neighborhood into chaos.

"We admit that throughout the weekend, we collectively were not prepared for the onslaught of hops-craving neck-beards dressed as Tekashi 6ix9ine," said Bud Herman, manager of Cole's, as he boarded up the storefront windows.

Breweries were expecting smaller crowds due to the snow, but they neglected the idea that locals seem to enjoy walking out of the house wearing shorts in cold weather.

"I did not choose to stay in my no longer rent-controlled apartment for the convenient transit access," said resident Drew Higgins. "This is the only spot in Chicago where you're never supposed to be more than stumbling distance away from a draft IPA, and I'd rather walk barefoot down the Pedway than have to Lyft my ass over to Ravenswood."

Loganites took to the streets in droves as local bars desperately tried to expedite shipping of Anti-heroes and Lagunitas, but their efforts were in vain. After hours of protests, the residents burned the General Logan Statue with Molotov Bourbon Apple Sangria Cocktails.

At press time, Mayor Lightfoot, a Logan Square resident, declared a state of emergency until her neighbors could get their shitty beers back.