City Orders “Violence Interrupters” to Stop Playing Theme Song While Patrolling Train

By Aaron McDavis

CHICAGO, IL – Tightening his red bandanna after adjusting the leather strapping on his finger less gloves, Tio Hardiman, known as “Laser Kick” to his colleagues, expressed genuine frustration after learning that the city has officially ordered their crime-patrol group known as the “Violence Interrupters” to halt performing their independently produced theme song while patrolling the CTA Red Line.

The Violence Interrupters, a team of fifty middle-aged volunteers skilled in various styles martial arts and de-escalation methods, have recently began patrolling north and southbound trains on the Red Line in an effort to confront the spike in crime recently seen on the CTA. “We’re just trying to do our part,” said Hardiman. “My team is prepared to do whatever’s necessary to keep passengers safe. That includes blasting our bad-ass theme song to strike fear in the hearts of evil-doers.”

The song, titled “Get Interrupted”, is a ten minute-long track that samples from the T.V. intros of The A-Team and Power Rangers. It begins with a five minute introduction of each member owning names such as “Turbo Trevor,” “Dragonfly Jenkins” and “Punch ‘em Pete,” and includes keytar solo plus a collective chorus stating anyone causing mischief on the train will “get interrupted.” The track’s goal, according to Hardiman, is to intimidate “potential scumbags” on the train before a crime can be committed. “It’s like a battle cry for scaring the opposition. ‘Stick up kids? YOU GETTIN’ INTERRUPTED! Looters and thugs? YOU GETTIN’ INTERRUPTED! Muggers and punks? YOU GETTIN’ INTERRUPTED!” Cool, huh? Wish you could hear my keytar. It’s way better with the keytar.”

Despite Hardiman and the Interrupters’ insistence on performing “Get Interrupted” on transit, CTA officials revealed over twelve-hundred letters of complaints describing the music act as “dumb,” “unnecessary,” and “real fucking annoying.” “I appreciate that they want to help,” said CTA President Dorval Carter Jr. “But they should probably come up with something that doesn’t require flailing around on the train with fake karate kicks to a bad music like a corny Saturday morning cartoon.”

The letters also revealed physical mishaps involving the Interrupters and other passengers. “I had to ride south on the Red Line with some of those clowns” said Nancy, 54. “I tried to mind my own business, but then one of them started spinning and kicking like a ninja turtle and clocked me from behind!” Hartiman took responsibility for the incident, explaining that he was attempting a freestyle leg kata when the train had abruptly slowed down, causing Nancy to lean into his signature “Laser Cyclone of Death” roundhouse.

“Do I feel bad?” said Hartiman. “Sure. But I did warn her to step back, or else risk standing in the danger zone.” After learning that Nancy was rushed to the hospital with severe brain bleed, Hartiman responded “Nice. I mean, awful. But nice.”

At press time, the Interrupters received note that the CTA rejected requests for reimbursement of over $2000 worth of studio recording time.