Corpse Discovered Outside Rainbow Cone Ice Cream Shop Leads to Loss of Michelin Star

By Todd Wells

CHICAGO, IL - Iconic Beverly-neighborhood ice cream shop, and former three-Michelin-star eatery, The Rainbow Cone, was demoted to two Michelin stars after a reviewer tripped over a corpse outside the establishment.

Michelin spokesperson Pierre Lamontagne stated, "At Michelin, we pride ourselves on our world-class, meticulous standards, and expecting patrons to navigate a lifeless body sprawled across the entryway is beyond the pale. They are downgraded to two stars, and not a star more."

Rainbow Cone manager, Amber Margrave, was incensed. "How does a dead body affect your ice cream? It doesn't, that's how. Besides, you can't expect to enjoy the cosmopolitan delights of our eponymous five-flavored rainbow cone without putting up with the occasional mob hit. And if it bothers you that much, then maybe you should buy another ice cream cone to help you process the trauma."

The reviewer who originally found the dead body, Bernard Martin, returned the next day for seconds and explained, "Look, the Rainbow Cone is a masterpiece. No one's disputing that. Having the vision to combine orange sherbert and pistachio, two flavors that no one really likes in the first place, is culinary genius. But as shallow as it sounds, a corpse-free ambiance matters too."

Martin, while verifying the lifeless status of the cadaver by poking at it with the toe of his shoe, added, "Even those pretentious wankers at Alinea would at least drag the stiffs out to the dumpster before the evening rush."