Ghost of John Barleycorn Still Haunting Wrigleyville

By Mark Rosenthal

CHICAGO, IL - Despite closing four months ago, and with nightlife in the city all but cancelled, the ghost of John Barleycorn is still haunting Chicago’s Wrigleyville neighborhood. 

“I was walking my dog on Addison, and in the distance I heard that dumb LMFAO song. That's when I caught a whiff of Axe body spray,” said Ashley Wright, a long time Lakeview resident. “I didn’t have time to react. I was just enveloped by a giant, incorporeal building. I tried to make the best of it and grab a drink, but before I knew it, I was tossed out for wearing flannel. And then it was gone. I haven’t seen my dog since.”

Paranormal experts from throughout Illinois have descended upon the physical 3524 N. Clark Street location to determine the source of this phantom pub. Many theories have been floated, but still the mystery remains. 

“This isn’t the first time Chicago has been plagued by a Class-4 repeating Bar Phantasm,” reported Craig Yarbrough, a representative of The Parapsychological Association. He continued, “Back in ‘07, there were several incidents where an ectoplasmic Hi-Tops would scoop up thirty or forty suburbanites after a Cubs game. Sure, half of them were immediately kicked out for wearing shorts, but many haven’t been seen since.”

In response to the spectral John Barleycorn, Mayor Lightfoot has urged all Wrigleyville residents to take precautions before venturing down Clark Street, including carrying unlicensed particle accelerators and dress code violating sandals without socks.