Recent Tornado Claims Lives of Two Logan Square Witches

By Tommy Spears

CHICAGO—As citizens of the greater Chicago area continue to deal with the damage caused by the recent tornado, the City Coroner’s Office has confirmed the deaths of Elfie, 67, and Nerissa Baum, 64—sisters and wicked witches who had made their home in Logan Square for almost 40 years.

“It is with heavy hearts that we must announce the passing of sisters Elfie and Nerissa Baum, longtime residents of Logan Square and practicing witches of the dark arts,” read a press release from the Baum estate. “The two sisters were found crushed under a house that had apparently been transported by the tornado all the way from Kansas.”

While a memorial is planned for early next week, the deaths have caused some controversy concerning the sisters’ legacy. Throughout their time in Chicago, the Baums were tied to kidnapping, theft, arson and animal abuse. Readers will remember Elfie’s 1999 arrest for maintaining a private zoo in her backyard, where authorities found tortured lions and several dead monkeys who appeared to have undergone experimental surgery to graft wings onto their backs. Despite seven different arraignments, neither sister was ever convicted on more than a misdemeanor. By far, though, their greatest controversy remains their opposition, sometimes violent, to organized labor.

“I represent the Lollipop Guild,” said Billy ‘Munchkin’ Bletcher, former union representative at Brach’s candy company. “And let me tell you, those two broads were not above breaking fingers or kneecaps. Sometimes both. The mafia used to contract labor hits and intimidation out to them. One of my buddies kept getting his fingers cut off, then his arms, then his legs. By the end he was just metal. Then he died. Wife and four kids left with nothing. Good f_____ riddance, if you ask me.”

While many Chicagoans share Mr. Bletcher’s sentiments, there are several prominent citizens, including Glinda Pilcher, the “Good Witch of the Southside,” who tweeted:

“We weren’t close, but the Baums were an institution on the west side. I was deeply saddened to hear of their passing. Looking forward to when they auction off those shoe collections, tho.”

At press time, St. Francis’ Cathedral had cancelled the sisters memorial service, as apparently “no one mourns the wicked.”