"People shouldn't be worried about us drunk driving. They should be worried about the underground street racing circuit she started.”
Read More"I know some CEO's would promote their replacement from within the company, but it just seemed simpler to stage a giveaway that brought five random Chicagoans to my corporate headquarters and then to slowly eliminate them, possibly fatally, until the final survivor inherits the company."
Read More“It’s hard to get an exact date, but based on the size of their mustaches and the comments they’ve made to our female staffers, we can deduce that these men were frozen in the late 1960’s.”
Read MoreEDITOR'S UPDATE: Two hours after initial publication, Spears' car was found in Lake Michigan containing a wooden mannequin wearing his coat. If you have any information on the whereabouts of Thomas Spears, please contact the authorities.
Read More“Secretary Hoenig also added that while littering on the Eisenhower Expressway would no longer be punished, a fine will be instituted for men not wearing hats.”
Read More“Our new line of fully submersible buses can travel on land and underwater, and are crewed by the bravest sailors this side of Pitcairn Island,” said Captain Grace Cook of the USS 74 Fullerton Towards Halsted. “There’s no danger from man or sea can put fear in the hearts of our crew. However, we will be running on a thirty to forty-five-minute delay until further notice.”
Read More