Supplicants Praise Return of Glorious Heat Lamps

By Patrick J Reilly

CHICAGO - Lo, as was foretold in days long past, the life-giving heat of the CTA warming lamps has returned to the people in their hour of direst need. Faithful supplicants from throughout Chicago gave thanks to the great Authority of Transit for the annual gift of light and heat. While many suffered in early frosts, those who could read the signs knew the day of warmth was at hand. For, as it is written, “Heat available Dec. 15 to March 31 or as temperatures necessitate.” As it is written, so it shall be done.

Worshippers throughout Chicago are raising their faces and hands to the glorious heat lamps, offering the traditional hymns of praise, such as “Dammit, it’s cold”, “Glad this isn’t broken”, and the beautiful classic, “The light is out Someone press the button”.

The probable high priest of this endeavor, Pulaski resident Matt Czarnacki, pressed the button below this sign while saying, “I’m glad these things are working again. It’s too cold to go without a little warmth, ya know?” All around him muttered their awe at these wise and profound teachings. Again the prophet spoke, “Just once it’d be nice if they actually turned them on after the first cold snap, though. I mean, what are my tax dollars paying for?”

This reporter fell prostrate at Czarnacki’s feet, weeping in joy at his words. The holy man looked down benevolently, before he pointedly averted his gaze and quickly boarded his train.

"O Heat Lamps, banishers of the cold! Bring us together in the warmth of community and infrared heating elements. Look down upon we pitiful Midwesterners as we refuse to dress appropriately for our commutes. Have mercy upon our fragile forms and grant us a moment of respite from the place we choose to live."

The heat lamps will be active in all elevated train stations and some bus stops, until March 31. For more tips on staying warm on your commute, check out the CTA at transitchicago.com.