“The time for thundershirts has passed, the sky booms are upon us,” Potato Chip concluded. “Lick your loved ones’ faces, and make peace with your God. There may be no treats tomorrow."
Read More“Sources say he was heard to remark, ‘Hoo boy’ and ‘really clears out your sinuses’.”
Read More“The mayor correctly pointed out the correlation between remote learning policies and an increase in violent car thefts,” said Hilbert in a press release. “So we took stock of our current course offerings and made the difficult decision to no longer offer instruction on carjacking.”
Read More“Dad’s usually so careful about what he puts in his body,” reported Ed Peters. “He’s always going on about not eating Tide laundry soap, or avocado toast, or unicorn lattes. Of course, we did have to rush him to the ER earlier last year when he drank a quart of bleach, but that was because the president told him to.”
Read More“Due to the COVID-19 plague, many fiefdoms were forced to furlough their villeins, or even execute them en masse. However, some are now struggling to find enough workers bound to the land to reopen the feudal economy.”
Read More“Rep. Evans says he also has plans to look into the influence of sock hops on juvenile delinquency, and has chaired a commission to determine the extent to which pinball machines have led to an increase in gambling among youths.”
Read More“The new feature, UberJack, will give riders the opportunity to leave ratings and helpful comments about carjackers, and to look up the ratings previous riders left of their violent encounters. Car thieves who earn consistently bad ratings may receive an email from Uber informing them of their poor performance.”
Read More“I told them to get the hell outta here, and put some damn masks on, there's a pandemic happening."
Read MoreOther sources of mother-daughter friction include admonishments to wear a sweater in the harsh Chicago cold, why don’t Lightfoot and First Lady Amy Eshleman come to visit more often, and just what the Mayor plans to do about getting Chicago Police out of the public schools.
Read More“The Chicago River is a unique and vital ecosystem,” Wobig explained, “And maintaining the populations of mutated trout, invasive Asian carp, and aquatic homeless has historically required a certain level of fresh mafia hits being dumped into the river.
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“Faithful supplicants from throughout Chicago gave thanks to the great Authority of Transit for the annual gift of light and heat.”
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After a city-wide vote, the mounds of thinly sliced roast beef, italian sausage, and giardiniera peppers on a thick italian bun dipped in meat drippings have been given the names Chance on-a-Wrapper, and Lori Light-on-the-gravy.
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“Is that place still open?” asked AJ Brandt, who has lived above the bar for the last three years.
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From the stained walls, rickety tables, and creepy plaster nativity scene above the bar, everything is carefully arranged to make it look like the kind of place a murderer would hang out. “
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Furthermore, they’re expecting a downpour of comments that, "it snowed on Halloween two - or no, wait, was it three? - years ago," with a high chance of further anecdotes over the weekend.
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