Feeling nostalgic? Local Community Returns to Its Roots, Blames Carjackings on GTA

By Patrick Reilly

SPRINGFIELD, IL - Many people seem to think that the modern world is going to hell in a handbasket, and between COVID, the Capitol Riot, and the break-up of Daft Punk, who can blame them! Though, one local Illinois politician is making a case for the good old days by blaming a rash of carjackings on the video game Grand Theft Auto. State Rep. Marcus Evans (D - 33rd) is showing off his traditional values by putting forward legislation to ban the sale of the 23 year old video game series in Chicago.

              Grand Theft Auto, which hasn’t released a game in seven years, is a video game series about listening to comedic talk radio stations while driving around large fictional cities and bowling with your cousin, and it’s published by Take Two Interactive. In the interests of disclosure, The Chicago Machine must remind its readers that Take Two Interactive is owned by the same private equity company that recently purchased Second City. There isn’t a conflict of interest here, we just wanted you to have that fact staring you in the face. In addition to darts, billiards, and driving remote control toys, the Grand Theft Auto series also occasionally allows the player to engage in crimes like jaywalking and, as Rep. Evans points out, stealing cars.

              The legislator’s nostalgic actions have energized the community. “It really brings me back,” says local 30-year old CJ Johnson. “I remember playing GTA: III in elementary school, and blaming the game for crime waves really helps me reconnect with my roots.”

              In addition to promoting community history by staging this good old-fashioned new media witch hunt, Rep. Evans says he has plans to look into the influence of sock hops on juvenile delinquency, and has chaired a commission to determine the extent to which pinball machines have led to an increase in gambling among youths. Can someone say #Nostalgia?

              “I’m glad someone is putting the blame where it belongs,” said a young man who only identified himself as Claude, while throwing a neighbor out of his vehicle. “If kids didn’t play so many old, violent, old video games, they might not be inclined to commit crimes during such a period of unprecedented social and economic crisis,” Claude added before tearing off in someone else’s car.