Lightfoot Announces Mayoral Transportation Detail Now Allowed to Drive Drunk

By Tommy Spears

CHICAGO, IL -- Following her unpopular refusal to pay several speeding and red light tickets, Mayor Lori Lightfoot has announced that her driver and members of her transportation detail will now be permitted to drive drunk.

Mayor Lightfoot, who has advocated for stricter speed cameras, defended her decisions, stating, "The activities of the office of the mayor are none of the public's business, whether that activity is going shot for shot with some DePaul kids at Red Lion or cruising Tunnel looking for Jeremy Allen White so I can kick his fake Chicago ass."

While many city workers have been critical of these new allowances, members of the mayor's transportation staff have expressed their approval.

"It's a controversial choice, I guess," said Matt Balasky, one of the mayor's drivers. "But it makes getting the mayor from point A to point B that much easier. Like when we were all at Dave and Buster's for my birthday party--none of us were below 0.08, but what were we gonna do? Order six Ubers? Where would we even find six Ubers at 11:00 am on a Tuesday?

Balasky went on to reassure the public, saying, "People shouldn't be worried about us drunk driving. They should be worried about the underground street racing circuit she started."

Mayor Lightfoot was last seen in Logan Square in a black Lincoln Navigator weaving through traffic and shooting a paintball gun at oncoming cars while yelling, "I'm gonna live forever!" Her office could not be reached for comment.