"I know some CEO's would promote their replacement from within the company, but it just seemed simpler to stage a giveaway that brought five random Chicagoans to my corporate headquarters and then to slowly eliminate them, possibly fatally, until the final survivor inherits the company."
Read More“Sources say he was heard to remark, ‘Hoo boy’ and ‘really clears out your sinuses’.”
Read More“It’s hard to get an exact date, but based on the size of their mustaches and the comments they’ve made to our female staffers, we can deduce that these men were frozen in the late 1960’s.”
Read More“We need to let people know that when it comes to justice, no one is off the hook. So, we’re sending the message loud and clear: if you’re a cop and you’re going to shoot a young black kid in the back sixteen times while he’s walking away, get ready to serve half of a seven-year sentence and then write a report over the weekend on the guy who invented peanut butter.”
Read More“The mayor correctly pointed out the correlation between remote learning policies and an increase in violent car thefts,” said Hilbert in a press release. “So we took stock of our current course offerings and made the difficult decision to no longer offer instruction on carjacking.”
Read More3. It covers the dog shit we also didn’t pick up.
Read More“In fact, we also apologize for our delay in announcing these perpetual delays. We admittedly knew months ago, but we were honestly kind of hoping you wouldn’t notice, and/or we could just hire some more workers in the meantime.”
Read More“I don’t know what the hell i was thinking,” the city of over 3 million residents said Monday morning, with a head still throbbing from the party days earlier. “Our COVID curve is just a vertical line now.”
Read MoreSmith is on the side of, “if you scrape the mold off the stuffing cubes, they should still be fine.”
Read More“How embarrassing is this? Here I am, a brand new variant, thinking I was prepared for anything: masks, boosters, Vitamin D. But nope. Turns out I get taken down by the freakin’ CTA.” At press time, Omicron was reported to have contacted its fellow variant, Delta, for a ride, only to learn that the Delta’s car had recently been booted.
Read MoreEDITOR'S UPDATE: Two hours after initial publication, Spears' car was found in Lake Michigan containing a wooden mannequin wearing his coat. If you have any information on the whereabouts of Thomas Spears, please contact the authorities.
Read More“No more can you consume six different kinds of hard cheeses in front of the fridge over the course of 72 minutes for dinner.”
Read More“Secretary Hoenig also added that while littering on the Eisenhower Expressway would no longer be punished, a fine will be instituted for men not wearing hats.”
Read More“When the internet is slow, I hate Comcast. When the internet is fast, I still hate Comcast. But when the internet doesn’t exist… turns out, I love Comcast,” says Jeff Sellers, a consultant who works in River North.
Read More“Any day now, Q will reveal everything,” says Smith. “Including why none of my nieces and nephews speak to me anymore.”
Read More“Our new line of fully submersible buses can travel on land and underwater, and are crewed by the bravest sailors this side of Pitcairn Island,” said Captain Grace Cook of the USS 74 Fullerton Towards Halsted. “There’s no danger from man or sea can put fear in the hearts of our crew. However, we will be running on a thirty to forty-five-minute delay until further notice.”
Read More“Dad’s usually so careful about what he puts in his body,” reported Ed Peters. “He’s always going on about not eating Tide laundry soap, or avocado toast, or unicorn lattes. Of course, we did have to rush him to the ER earlier last year when he drank a quart of bleach, but that was because the president told him to.”
Read More“Ever since it was brought home to the apartment, it has sat in the back, slumped over and gathering dust. It has been opened once, when the owner went on a health kick, but has been abandoned ever since.”
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